@Cheeseboy22

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

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@tastefactory

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*

@sir_shithead_I

Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!

@JediGigi

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

@Gupton68

Me: Excuse me

Waiter: Yes?

M: The wine’s corked

W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed

M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager

*gets struck by lightning

@LimeyTheGreat

My youngest son can now reach the light switches, so don’t come over to my house, unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

@GeekWithCurls

Guys, I have an announcement to make.

I’ve decided to use the quarantine as an opportunity to rekindle my marriage.

Everyone here knows we are struggling, and this may be the last shot I have at reconnecting.

Hahaha just kidding is Amazon still shipping shovels?

@MakesYouGiggle

Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.

@bourgeoisalien

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

@ricksteelman

Maybe I’m covered in chameleons right now. I’ll never know for sure.

@Home_Halfway

FRIEND: Your smoothie looks awesome

ME: Thanks. It’s just 20oz of guacamole, it cost me $310