@Cheeseboy22

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

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@Marlebean

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

@jaggings

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can / super speed, giant leap / crawls in your mouth when you’re asleep

@AllyBallyBeal

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

@AnnietheNanny1

What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

@grumbist

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

@DurtMcHurtt

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

@Wakenbake77

if you come trick or treating at my house you will leave with less candy than what you had

@_NTFG_

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

@seanscrap

Got busted for shoplifting once in Canada and had to deal with their whole irritating Good Cop/Great Cop routine.