Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
You Might Also Like
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can / super speed, giant leap / crawls in your mouth when you’re asleep
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
if you come trick or treating at my house you will leave with less candy than what you had
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Got busted for shoplifting once in Canada and had to deal with their whole irritating Good Cop/Great Cop routine.