Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: *starts sweating*
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
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Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Excuse me
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
My youngest son can now reach the light switches, so don’t come over to my house, unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Guys, I have an announcement to make.
I’ve decided to use the quarantine as an opportunity to rekindle my marriage.
Everyone here knows we are struggling, and this may be the last shot I have at reconnecting.
Hahaha just kidding is Amazon still shipping shovels?
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
man: you’re beautiful
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Maybe I’m covered in chameleons right now. I’ll never know for sure.
FRIEND: Your smoothie looks awesome
ME: Thanks. It’s just 20oz of guacamole, it cost me $310