One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
You Might Also Like
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*