it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
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Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
This made me smile…
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.