Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
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“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
love it when they get my name right
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.