@PinkCamoTO

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

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@sixfootcandy

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

@FrogAvalanche

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564? before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

@PhilJamesson

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

@SkinnerSteven

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

@fro_vo

the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes

@bobvulfov

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

@kyle_thatisall

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

@tjcirimele

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

@Mostly_Cheese

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

@jonnysun

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no