One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
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‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
never compromise your values
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy