KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
You Might Also Like
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.