My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
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Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
God: nobody knows
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Those of you wondering what its like to be married: Just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having…
That feeling when you kinda wanna end it all but you’re already in bed and your hara kiri sword is all the way across the room.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
The more exclamation marks I use, the more I’m lying: Miss you too girl!!! Yea I’d love to go to lunch!!!!! Sorry something came up!!!!!!!!