“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
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One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
SCARY COSTUME
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.