@jpbrammer

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

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@scot4bz

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

@thedad

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

@neiltyson

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

@PaperWash

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

@meganamram

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water

@TheAngryMailGuy

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

@AristotlesNZ

Those of you wondering what its like to be married: Just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having…

@FuckabillyRex

That feeling when you kinda wanna end it all but you’re already in bed and your hara kiri sword is all the way across the room.

@sfreeze6

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

@emilylime

The more exclamation marks I use, the more I’m lying: Miss you too girl!!! Yea I’d love to go to lunch!!!!! Sorry something came up!!!!!!!!