@kadyngriffiths

One person gets an idiom wrong and it spreads like wildflower

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@thatcarlygirl

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

@Frankly_Drebin

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

@Reverend_Scott

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

@Chelsea_Elle

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

@Ristolable

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

@blondebombs

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

@zachheltzel

Yeah sex is cool but have you ever lied to an Uber driver about what you do for a living?

@ElKnuckelhombre

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

@WheelTod

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.

@RodLacroix

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.