Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
One person gets an idiom wrong and it spreads like wildflower
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Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Yeah sex is cool but have you ever lied to an Uber driver about what you do for a living?
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Me: No, I have not seen it.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.