@BlindChow

One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

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@hythemafia

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die

@nayele18maybe

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

@Mr_Kapowski

Guy 1: Women love a man that’s well read

Guy 2: Got it

[date]

Woman: So what-

Guy 2: *covered in ketchup* How well do you like me red?

@AndyAsAdjective

8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?

@ScottLinnen

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

@B_poling82

Hello, welcome to the evening news, where we’re going to scare the shit out of you for 45 minutes, then weather & sports. Stay tuned.

@kelkulus

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.