One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

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..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die


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Guy 1: Women love a man that’s well read

Guy 2: Got it


Woman: So what-

Guy 2: *covered in ketchup* How well do you like me red?


8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?


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Hello, welcome to the evening news, where we’re going to scare the shit out of you for 45 minutes, then weather & sports. Stay tuned.


Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.