@BlindChow

One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

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@TheBoydP

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

@fanofhell

guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine

@bencjenkins

Hear me out on this. Limewire Festival. Bands from the early 2000s play mislabeled songs that aren’t actually theirs, tickets available as a .exe with a 70% chance of destroying your computer.

@HeyZeus666

I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem.

I threw my scale out.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Basic white girl [laughing]: Yasssss omg I’m dying!

Takes Everything Literally Todd [shocks her with a defibrillator]: NOT ON MY WATCH!