It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
“Um ok, sauce only”
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
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*performs sax solo*
*performs sex, solo*
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Hear me out on this. Limewire Festival. Bands from the early 2000s play mislabeled songs that aren’t actually theirs, tickets available as a .exe with a 70% chance of destroying your computer.
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem.
I threw my scale out.
Bird puns? Owl allow them.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Basic white girl [laughing]: Yasssss omg I’m dying!
Takes Everything Literally Todd [shocks her with a defibrillator]: NOT ON MY WATCH!