My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
“Um ok, sauce only”
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
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Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Guy 1: Women love a man that’s well read
Guy 2: Got it
Woman: So what-
Guy 2: *covered in ketchup* How well do you like me red?
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Hello, welcome to the evening news, where we’re going to scare the shit out of you for 45 minutes, then weather & sports. Stay tuned.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.