One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
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This is sending me to another galaxy
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Florida be like…
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
sensitive skin
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?