*Fingers plan their revenge*
One problem with autocorrect is that you always end up posting some thong that you didn’t Nintendo.
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Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Cop: where ya headed?
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Please respect my privacy during this time. Nothing happened I just don’t want to talk to anyone.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…