Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Tommytoughstuff

*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*

@KateWhineHall

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.

@sara_ashlynn

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

@PhuckinCody

ME: hey did u get my letter?

HER: No

ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what

@OBiiieeee

Cop: where ya headed?

“the gym”

Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you

“thank you so much, officer”

@68Cly29

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

@msdanifernandez

Please respect my privacy during this time. Nothing happened I just don’t want to talk to anyone.

@MomofTeen

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

@3sunzzz

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

@BlindVigil

I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…