@GuttaLikeNoOtha

One problem with autocorrect is that you always end up posting some thong that you didn’t Nintendo.

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@roxiqt

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

@ShortSleeveSuit

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

@lanyardigan

Most of us get into advertising for the money. Me? I’ve just always had a passion for making people feel bad

@2tickytacky

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

@JordanPeele

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

@TitaniumToplass

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

@lisaxy424

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

@eminmien

“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”

“Eels?”

“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.

@HavocMantis

I’m a fi-sci writer.
“You mean sci-fi?”
No, fi-sci. Fictional Science. Made-up scholarly articles on monsters, magic, and the like.

@Marlebean

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.