@GuttaLikeNoOtha
One problem with autocorrect is that you always end up posting some thong that you didn’t Nintendo.
@roxiqt
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
@ShortSleeveSuit
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
@lanyardigan
Most of us get into advertising for the money. Me? I’ve just always had a passion for making people feel bad
@2tickytacky
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
@JordanPeele
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
@TitaniumToplass
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
@lisaxy424
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
@eminmien
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
@HavocMantis
I’m a fi-sci writer.
“You mean sci-fi?”
No, fi-sci. Fictional Science. Made-up scholarly articles on monsters, magic, and the like.
@Marlebean
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.