*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
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We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
me after drinking all the wine: