One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
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He took my last fry, your honor
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
I’d love this…lol
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.