@DrakeGatsby

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

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@sonictyrant

Police Chief: this whole place is a cesspool of drugs, booze and sex . I wanna know why damn it

Me: *remembering that i’d built this city on Rock&Roll* it’s a mystery alright

@elle91

Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once

@juliussharpe

My wife wants to have another kid. That’s like seeing light at the end of a tunnel and saying, “I think we better turn around.”

@SnarkyMommy78

“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong

@cal_gif

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

@HatfieldAnne

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

@TEXASVETERAN

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

@Cheeseboy22

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

@slimmy_shady

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.