One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

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My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”


I bet the guy who invented falling asleep was totally like “Oh no! I died! Hey, wait a minute…”


I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.


Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*


When my wife says “I don’t want to talk about it” that’s woman code for you better put your life on hold for 2 hours & find out what “It” is


Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?


After shaking someone’s hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.


Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife