Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
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My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I bet the guy who invented falling asleep was totally like “Oh no! I died! Hey, wait a minute…”
Things I’m doing today
* going to the gym
* having sex
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
When my wife says “I don’t want to talk about it” that’s woman code for you better put your life on hold for 2 hours & find out what “It” is
Him: you’re so cool
Him: …and aloof
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
After shaking someone’s hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife