One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
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“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”