One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
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Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.