One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
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“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
My sex drive has a dui
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I love wikipedia
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.