@online_shawn

One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest

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@SoulYodeler

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

@ThePocketJustin

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

@KevinFarzad

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the person whose name I’ve forgotten.

@Donna_McCoy

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

@iwearaonesie

*opens cupboard*
*catches glass before it falls on my head*
*puts it back in the same spot to test wife’s reflexes*

@ShortSleeveSuit

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

@Social_Mime

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

@CornOnTheGoblin

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread