@online_shawn

One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest

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@jergarl

After 10 years of marriage I’ve composed a check list of good reasons to get married.

1) Your family is being held hostage.
2)
3)

@online_shawn

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

@AnkCoupleTO

[almost at the moon]

Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope

@AimeeHelene1

‘Dances with Wolves’…

But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.

@LindaInDisguise

Coworker: What was your college major?

Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.

@somecleverthing

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

@dannyboy7813

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

@QwertyJones3

Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.

Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..

@DelanieFischer

Being an adult means assuming someone’s dead every time your parents call you at work.

@TuSoonShakur

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*