@Shenanigans_luv

One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life

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@badbanana

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

@carlyken

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

@1MeLrO

Any day now Santa is going to block my Amazon list

@J_Illunninati

I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.

@Aricka_Shuck

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

@QuickandSisi

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

@girl_a_whirl

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.