One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
You Might Also Like
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho