One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life

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If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?


If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.


Any day now Santa is going to block my Amazon list


I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.


My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.


If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.


If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.