one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
You Might Also Like
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that