One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
You Might Also Like
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Do you know why I pulled you over?
“Yes, because I was driving a motorized toilet.”
I meant this time
Please step out of the oven.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
me: you know what, make it a double
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Mother Earth: Whose fault is this?
*tectonic plate brothers point at each other*