One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
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You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.