feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
You Might Also Like
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
just pretend nothing happened
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …