One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
You Might Also Like
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy