one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
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Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Autocarrot sucks!
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
These work great until they don’t.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’