@markpopham

one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays

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@jlock17

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

@sarcasticmommy4

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

@timdonakowski

Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.

@bourgeoisalien

probably the most valid reason to have a kid is if you ever wanted to watch another person take 2 hours to eat 5 apple slices

@The_Big_Drink

Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.

@OMGSoOverIt

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

@KKAlThani

Me: why did you stop me?

Cop: for starters you’re not wearing a seatbelt.

Me: what about main course?

Cop: step out of the car.

@Darlainky

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

@TheHyyyype

mom: *holding up baggie she found in my room* what the hell is this?

me: uhh that’s called marijuana

mom: i know what it is, i mean why do you have it

me: to get high, jesus christ mom you said you knew what it was