One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
You Might Also Like
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
“The Perfect Relationship”
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
it is time once again
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
What a website