What color do you think Eddie Smurphy was?
Blue, you racists
one time a friend asked me “how are you still single?!” and the list of reasons is still compiling in my head
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Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
My kid just told me that when I yell for her to come to the kitchen I need to yell gently. Wish me luck in figuring out what that should sound like.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I only order the essentials from Amazon.
*Opens new HD Special Ops Vision Glasses*
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
“You have 2 left.”
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.