@itsa_talia

one time a friend asked me “how are you still single?!” and the list of reasons is still compiling in my head

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@osigat

I’ve been called a lot of names but “designated driver” was never one of them.

@SandwichGhoul

GOD: Sharp pincers

CRAB: Thats dope

GOD: Hard shell

CRAB: Hell ya

GOD: Delicious legs lmao

CRAB: Wtf

@AndrewChamings

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

@soulindivision

“I have to go eat cake now”, should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.

@pilau

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys

@Lottie_Poppie

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

@TheAndrewNadeau

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

@LindaInDisguise

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

@CantWaitToNap

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.