one time a friend asked me “how are you still single?!” and the list of reasons is still compiling in my head

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I’ve been called a lot of names but “designated driver” was never one of them.


GOD: Sharp pincers

CRAB: Thats dope

GOD: Hard shell

CRAB: Hell ya

GOD: Delicious legs lmao



In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.


“I have to go eat cake now”, should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.


Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys


Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that


BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*


Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.


Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.