friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
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Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
🙋♀️
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Not😆🤣
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.