one time a friend asked me “how are you still single?!” and the list of reasons is still compiling in my head

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What color do you think Eddie Smurphy was?

Blue, you racists


Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.


My kid just told me that when I yell for her to come to the kitchen I need to yell gently. Wish me luck in figuring out what that should sound like.


I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.


Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.


Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.


I only order the essentials from Amazon.

*Opens new HD Special Ops Vision Glasses*


HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.


*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”


My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.