This is your yearly reminder to not put bananas in fruit salads
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
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Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
The year is 2057: Friday the 13th part 573…. Jason finds a fabulous pair of shoes to match his outfit.
BODY: i’m exhausted
BODY: let’s sleep
BRAIN: a dog named Ralph
BRAIN: can almost say his own name
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I think the term copycat serial killer is a bullshit term. They can’t kill the same people as the other guy
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Nature fact: The female cat gives birth to the body and head of her kittens separately and has to screw the head in like a lightbulb.
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing unless you’re at a funeral.