One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
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I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
#winning
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
No selfies while hijacking a train.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs