@TravLeBlanc

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

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@yonewt

This is your yearly reminder to not put bananas in fruit salads

@mattZillaaaa

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

@jergarl

The year is 2057: Friday the 13th part 573…. Jason finds a fabulous pair of shoes to match his outfit.

@matt___nelson

BODY: i’m exhausted
BRAIN: neat
BODY: let’s sleep
BRAIN: nah
BODY: c’mon
BRAIN: a dog named Ralph
BODY:
BRAIN: can almost say his own name

@LoveNLunchmeat

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

@zachreinert03

I think the term copycat serial killer is a bullshit term. They can’t kill the same people as the other guy

@TheWadest

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

@jazmasta

Nature fact: The female cat gives birth to the body and head of her kittens separately and has to screw the head in like a lightbulb.

@daemonic3

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

@exador86

“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing unless you’re at a funeral.