One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
You Might Also Like
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
want me to check your oil?
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.