one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
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The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
pizza
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it