one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
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Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Lube but for my dry humor.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.