One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
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I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.