One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

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Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…


Fox News reports that President Obama rapped his oath in Arabic while cutting the head off a goat.


Back before the internet we licked 9 volt batteries for shock value.


[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”


It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.


*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”


When famous people say that the key to great skin is like… simply washing with soap… I want them to go to jaiI for this.


My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas


Her: Ok you hang up.

Him: No, you hang up first.

Her: No, you first.

Him: No, you first.

NSA: Both of you hang up.