One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
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My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him