One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

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Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.


Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”


The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.


I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.


ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things


[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?


*pulls away from kissing*

Does this mean no ticket or several tickets, officer?


Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.


Just Checked my voicemail. I forgot to buy milk 3 years ago.