@squirrel74wkgn

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

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@actualhuman01

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

@stealingyergirl

[bedtime]
Son: Can you leave the light on?
Me: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
Son: What?
Me: What?

@shutupmikeginn

I’m a club photographer, I take pictures at the club and people pay me to delete them

@unravelingfire

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

@queerly_it_is

keanu reeves calling carly rae jepsen the most talented musician he’s listened to in his lifetime is a huge complement when you remember that he’s been alive for several thousand years

@Sean_Burgundy_

Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line

@iGreenGod

“Please, take me out to dinner!”

“I don’t date married women, sorry.”

“I’m your wife!”

“No exceptions!”

@GensPlace

Bumper sticker:
We got rid of the kids, the cat was allergic…