@squirrel74wkgn

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

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@Swishergirl24

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

@kevinrowe1

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

@JediGigi

The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.

@sarcasticmommy4

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

@AbrasiveGhost

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things

@DaddyJew

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

@WhaJoTalkinBout

*pulls away from kissing*

Does this mean no ticket or several tickets, officer?

@Swishergirl24

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

@Rikidus

Just Checked my voicemail. I forgot to buy milk 3 years ago.