One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

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her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess


Son: Can you leave the light on?
Me: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
Son: What?
Me: What?


I’m a club photographer, I take pictures at the club and people pay me to delete them


Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.


keanu reeves calling carly rae jepsen the most talented musician he’s listened to in his lifetime is a huge complement when you remember that he’s been alive for several thousand years


Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line


“Please, take me out to dinner!”

“I don’t date married women, sorry.”

“I’m your wife!”

“No exceptions!”


Bumper sticker:
We got rid of the kids, the cat was allergic…