@squirrel74wkgn: One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
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@crmotwo: [Art Museum] Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention. Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE'S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
@Dschnoeb: A woman on the subway this morning said "did you know the government is closed? Is it a holiday or something?" So really, we deserve this.
@sirmunchie: Me: I'll write u a haiku! Her: I'm just impressed u know how to spell haiku. Me: *deletes "how to spell high-koo" from browser history*
@MandiAtRandom: Doc: This pill may cause: Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I'm out.