One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
You Might Also Like
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.