@Carter_TCB

One time I accidentally gave my cat acid. Thought he would really freak out but he just looked at me calmly and said meow for 10 hours.

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@bourgeoisalien

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

@SentenceReduced

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

@lincnotfound

me [travels back to ford’s theatre 1865]: wow, this is actually a great production

[shot fired]

me: oh, I forgot that’s why I came back

@LlamaInaTux

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

@AnniemuMary

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

@TheBlessMess

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

@BigJDubz

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant

@murrman5

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

@saramorseyy

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor