My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
One time I accidentally gave my cat acid. Thought he would really freak out but he just looked at me calmly and said meow for 10 hours.
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I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
me [travels back to ford’s theatre 1865]: wow, this is actually a great production
me: oh, I forgot that’s why I came back
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor