I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
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what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
From Facebook just now…
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.