One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
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My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
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