A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
One time I asked, “What would Jesus do?”. That’s the same day I almost drowned.
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Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Stacy: Come over!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
washing your hands is essential
I used to think I’d never be able to be president because I’m a woman but now I know it’s because I don’t like drinking water
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.