@TheReal_AndyMac

One time I asked, “What would Jesus do?”. That’s the same day I almost drowned.

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@SoulYodeler

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

@SethMacFarlane

I wish I could explain to my cat that when I sneeze it doesn’t mean the world is ending.

@iscoff

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

@Cpin42

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

@Gupton68

10: “What are we doing today?

Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”

10: “Then what are we going to do?”

Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”

@Home_Halfway

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

@AaronFullerton

“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”

@PaperWash

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

@caperbc75

*nervously adjusts fedora in Starbucks lineup

I’ll have uh, um, a mediu- I mean vanti, uh, mochacachito?

Patrons: HE’S A FRAUD! GET HIM!!!

@spookperson

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator