One time I asked, “What would Jesus do?”. That’s the same day I almost drowned.

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A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.


Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.


Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”


met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏


Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.


I used to think I’d never be able to be president because I’m a woman but now I know it’s because I don’t like drinking water


It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.


911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it


Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.