7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
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-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
you stereotypes are all alike
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?