one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

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Hot water mixed with vinegar & baking soda. 2 cups of Coca-Cola, a dishwashing tablet & half a lemon. Swirl it for 3 minutes, place the pan in the solution for 45 minutes.

I then brushed it with a toothbrush. I rinsed it & it still looked the same. So I went & bought a new one.


I’m married, yet the only person that willingly goes down on their knees in front of my crotch is a 72 year old suit tailor named Pablo.


If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!


a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people


Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg


[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]


Found $20 in a parking lot and thought to myself What Would Jesus Do? So I took it and turned it into wine.


Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe


me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long