One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
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[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I’m dying louder than usual today.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.