One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
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Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*