One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
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I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas