One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
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[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays