One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
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At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.