One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
You Might Also Like
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes