@Alohababe2011

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

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@kimlockhartga

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

@serialmatrix

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

@Tylerosis

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

@Tups13

If the Bee Gees get spooked, do they become the Heebie Jeebie Bee Gees?

@flashember

[inventor of the zoo]

*sees deer gamboling freely through the forest and exotic birds flying blissfully through the air*

this has to stop

@upsidedowntrash

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

@natfos

HR at my work just called me and i thought i was in trouble for something but they just let me know my 11-year-old sister has been commenting on their instagram every day telling them to give me a raise

@TheAlexNevil

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.