One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

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A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.


If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?


There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.


[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.


If the Bee Gees get spooked, do they become the Heebie Jeebie Bee Gees?


[inventor of the zoo]

*sees deer gamboling freely through the forest and exotic birds flying blissfully through the air*

this has to stop


ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?


HR at my work just called me and i thought i was in trouble for something but they just let me know my 11-year-old sister has been commenting on their instagram every day telling them to give me a raise


Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.