One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
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I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Autocorrect is my menesis
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Best spoiler warning ever
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less