WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
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Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Just finished writing my will. In TOTALLY UNRELATED news, I’m about to try resolving some issues regarding my iTunes library.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison Elementary are safe today.