@brennadine

One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

You Might Also Like

@robfee

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

@HeyZeus666

I just realized that no matter what it says on my tombstone I’m going to have to read it upside down.

@SoVeryBritish

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

@KimmyMonte

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

@ThaJawn

Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder?

Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..

@HatfieldAnne

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

@bumdog7

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.