@brennadine

One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

You Might Also Like

@garrydavenport

WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!

@heidi420x

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

@ericONEderful

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

@natedeschaine

Just finished writing my will. In TOTALLY UNRELATED news, I’m about to try resolving some issues regarding my iTunes library.

@dhumann

Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”

Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”

@shutupmikeginn

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

@davidschneider

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

@behindyourback

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

@Cheeseboy22

Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison Elementary are safe today.