One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
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Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.