One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
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After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
won’t smith
Realize this:
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.