One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
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doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”