One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
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Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic