one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
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[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?