People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
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My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Happens to everyone.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.