How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
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Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving