@buhsbaby_baby

One time I invited a guy over for dinner but I didn’t feel like cooking so I just poured us each a bowl of cereal really romantically.

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@ObscureGent

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

@daddydoubts

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

@UncleDuke1969

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

@ThatRascalPuff

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

@PJTLynch

My favorite part in Pretty Woman is her joy when he agrees to pay $3,000 for 6 days, effectively lowering her rate from $100/hr to $21/hr

@RedheadChaos

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

@ch000ch

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

@ibid78

[sees a kid at the park doing the pee pee dance]
“NO KID, WAIT-
[it starts raining buckets of pee]