@buhsbaby_baby

One time I invited a guy over for dinner but I didn’t feel like cooking so I just poured us each a bowl of cereal really romantically.

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@JimHeskett

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.

@mrjohntofu

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

@GensPlace

Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..

@stephenjmolloy

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

@caithuls

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

@welone1

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.

@Storminika

The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.

@djdarrellripley

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?