One time I invited a guy over for dinner but I didn’t feel like cooking so I just poured us each a bowl of cereal really romantically.

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My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.


Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?


Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..


Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”


DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table


Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.


The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.


Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?